Lose yourself, Lose control

I'm in fear for my life from the lord...

2010-01-31T20:04:00.001-08:00

An unitellible attacker,
Actor, he's in your skin,
This man was the tear, falling onto your lips,
This man was the salty taste of your wife,
When she came home last night, if she did,
This man is the squeal of your teenage daughters,
First time, you weren't home,
Who rules these bones now?
I am an entry way, I felt the softness of her skin,
This mistress misery, she loved you, you know
Bastard, I see your true intentions form behind your eyes,
oh how the ones like you lie,
Even deep in your mind, flesh and prison and pride,
And your trapped with me,
While all these others walk away

Something I wrote for school that my teacher didn't like...

2010-01-31T19:56:00.000-08:00

F you Jeff Spence. I think this ones cool.

I thought I was a Phantom,
Diffused, a surrealist motion,
me, myself, and Phantom blending,
Take the mic, take my eyes,
Slip behind the flannel veil,
All American, Phantom and I,
Green Apple and sour teeth,
Marked, evolutionary,
This is all but a twist in the fate

Cutter Man

2010-01-31T19:51:00.000-08:00

Wooden slats, Where the sidewalk cracked,
Stencils on the pavement, bleeding into the urban crawl,
A slide and a man sitting sinister nearby,
With some not so little girls where the carousel had been,
Not aware of the thoughts he's entertaining,
Yeah, he's watching them tonight,
Streetside, instead of the club lights,
Cuz sometimes, a little bit of throat slitting,
Requires a change of scenery.

Yeah, we're all gonna wake up strong

2009-08-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

So,
What've you come here for?
I'm out of pills,
You'll have to dream,
Tonight,
Independently,
Yes,
The dark is scary,
And it can get pretty cold,
Without Whiskey,
You'll have to dream,
Tonight,
Without me

Binge

2009-08-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a suicide wannabe,
Where is the change sir?
I need to know what I defend,
I'm an island in the clouds,
There is no reason to shoot me down,
Take care of me instead,
Tread lightly over words,
While I,
Chew on broken glass,
And let the blood slide through my gums,
This isn't a cry for help

Another

2009-08-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

The elastic of your flesh,
All sinew and rose,
Bending and flowing inside of you,
Something I love to watch,
The lithe, Shark-like motions,
The danger of your flesh,
Is not something my eyes miss,
The way your body writhes,
I do miss, once you are out of sight

Oh, Darling

2009-08-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

You are so lovely,
So lovely,
That I fear the touch,
Of your sweet skin,
And my dear,
When I look into your eyes,
I see a storm of dust,
Trying to consume my bones

A feather

2009-08-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

She's hovering on crows wings,
Drunk, strung out,
A real mess of a thing,
The worst of the moments comes out,
Hair scraggaly and eyes a cloud,
She smirks a little and chuckles,
Watching her blood drip to the ground

This post!

2009-07-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

This is my 30th post :3
I feel all proud and junk.

Uh....

The Knife;
I'm having another one of those nights,
An aching, blinking, over absorbed sort of night,
The kind where I sit in scilence and think of how I've done wrong,
The kind where I feel the air is like sandpaper on my skin,
I'm always shaking anymore,
This pricking feeling in my eyes won't leave me alone,
I've lost my will to sleep,
And to feed,
And I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do next,
It just another close and open of the eyes,
Hoping the next second won't bring me to the knife

Another letter...

2009-07-01T22:10:00.001-07:00

Dear Ian,

Even though we talked about this before you signed out (:'( )

If you leave town this weekend, I will be forced to grow to normal person size and dropkick your father for taking you away...

With that said, and with everything I have in me

Love, Rachel

Poetry?!

This could be the last,
Stupid romantic poem,
Giving the thing a name,
Is like a silly form of agony,
"Thinking of you" Shouldn't
Make me feel foolish and
Forgetful, cuz
Someday I know you'll be Leaving
And it's pretty goddamn vital
for me not to cry, and it's silly,
That I would defend you,
With my life if I
Had to, cuz I lied,
every second I didn't spend,
Telling you I love you

(is a girl with an anniversary coming up, can you tell?)

You may say I'm a dreamer...

2009-06-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

I think my feelings or extreme joy, and complete numbness are really the same thing..

It's a sliding scale of how far away I am from a total breakdown.

The same peak to the same mountain of horror...

The things she's not

2009-06-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

A fighter, a lover,
A well-behaved girl,
Special, or lovely,
Or even some one of note

The things she is,
Are so great and terrible,
She'll never give them name,
But to shiver, at the mere thought

Tell me you love me...

2009-05-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like you don't love me..

Or that you love me like a mundane, ordinary thing.. Like pizza, or your favorite show...

It's not someone else you worship like I want... It's your own ideals....

A bolt

2009-05-15T20:09:00.001-07:00

Leaving my lips lingering...

Hanging on the edge of a whimper....

You're not here....

Not written by me

2009-05-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

An old tid-bit of dear Ian's writing....

A Love at first loss

My dearest darling, the bright moon of my midnight.
The cause of my breath [thee are]
Dearest darling, you're more important to me than the air I breathe.
That must be the cause of the loss of breath I experience everytime you enter my sight.
As gentle as a flower's petal,
As kind as the loving lips of the ghosts that haunt us,
And as cold as the snow from the clouds.
My dearest darling, with glow of the golden sun, you're hte base of my creation, your servant from life til dead eyes.
Dearest darling, my warm blanket, my fire to melt my ice.
I've got a blizzard within my, it only stops when you're close to me.
This ice beneath my skin only wants to be melted.
Dearest darling, channel of order, don't let me lose me.
Being gone from my life would mean no more of you to be my breath,
to be my moon,
to be my order,
to be the kind loving lips of the ghosts that haunt me.

September 15, 2007

And people wonder why I'm in love with the kid...

A lovely bit of loathing for the night

2009-05-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm going to slice.. and feel my long cliched breaking of skin.

Goodnight my audience.

I throughly enjoy...

2009-05-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

the way the sides of my nose have been rubbed so raw that the skin peels off...

It reminds me of cutting, and how I'd just open my skin, and that I'd never bleed, and how good it felt to be sliced open like that.

I'm startin to think I'm a little sick

Touch me

2009-04-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

I didn't say enough this night...

You're beautiful anyways.

Dear Him...

2009-04-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

Some nights I pretend you only say the things I want to hear....

It makes sleeping even harder.

A nap

2009-04-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

My mouth has tasted of sleep all day.....

What she does...

2009-04-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

She's sitting by the phone,
She's not crying just yet,
But, that's the plan for the night,
Everytime someone calls and it's not him,
Cuz, he doesn't bother, or he doesn't care....

4:48 PM

2009-04-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Sending a telegram back to Moscow, what do you want it to say?
Tell the wife and the kids that I love them...
And that I saved the day.

The mission was a success. We have liqudated Chernobyl.
The atom has given up.

And now so must you.

Desires

2009-04-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

I want a man to call me his,
Or maybe just to be a whore,
To show everyone that I'm not so strong,
I want to live below your expectations,
To proove that I was right when I said,
I'll never be good enough,
This hearts too small to hold you,
But I love you anyways

my lover is missing

2009-04-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

Kick me, at your feet,
My dear,
I'm a dog for you,
Panting,
A bad slut,
You could do anything to me,
I look at it darkly,
And I open my eyes under the wave,
And I'm scared I'll drown,
And I'm hoping for the same thing

A thought

2009-04-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

I remember
That yesterday, when I was crying, thinking that the only thing that would actually help
would to be to slide out of his arms, and at least pretend I wasn't desprate for him every second of my life
but, I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, and, that was impossible.

Doodle 3

2009-04-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

Last one from my trip, I don't feel like it's finished.. Keep guessing....

doodle 2

2009-04-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

Still more doodles... Guess again

Doodle 1

2009-04-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

I doodle a lot. 3 guesses who's eyes I want on this...

Today is Sunday

2009-04-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Return,
Breath,
I'm panting,
Have I ever needed anything more?
What is my air?
It makes me see blue,
And this lady, she's inside my eyes,
She wants,
Return,
Air,
You look so sweet when you're sleeping...

Vacation....

2009-04-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

almost 20 hours on a bus, ehh, prolly much more than that. Lots of doodling and writing to be done on days like that...

Eyepatch-
Let me see,
how this silly thing inside me,
beats,
just trim away layers of skin,
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light,
No, no, I won't be screaming,
just cut me open,
I need to see,
And, oh, I can see the worry,
And your face is the light at the end,
Of my tunnel vision,
Eyes, your worried my dear,
Please, I've not screamed yet,
It's not your fault,
Just cut me open,
And then you'll see

Challenge Time

2009-03-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

What's the worth of survival?
What's the worth of being alive in general?
I know I've made nothing out of it...
I doubt I'll ever get the initiative to anyways.

Mehh

2009-03-16T17:17:00.000-07:00

Walked away...
Heard them say
"Poisoned hearts will never change'

Who gave me the stinger?

What put the poison in me?

I don't doubt that it's there.

This

2009-03-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

I decided I kinda really, really hate big fonts. Like, it's so obnoxious to have to look at them all the time. Godd, what we're the font people thinking?

hogbone44: Ok.
7:29:10 PM hogbone44: I take it you're happyish.
7:30:08 PM lordessray: Nah. I kinda wanna hack my skin open until I bleed to death, but, that's one of those things I just try to cover up by being bubbly.

Poetic?

Another post?! =O

2009-03-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm bored, and the music is really loud, and it's dark, I love it when my parents aren't home.

I'm having another one of those nights,
An aching, blinking, over absorbed sort of night,
The kind where I sit in scilence and think of how I've done wrong,
The kind where I feel the air is like sandpaper on my skin,
I'm always shaking anymore,
This pricking feeling in my eyes won't leave me alone,
I've lost my will to sleep,
And to feed,
And I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do next,
It just another close and open of the eyes,
Hoping the next second won't bring me to the knife

Tonights posts dedicated to Ben and his extreme lovelyness.

Neww Notebook....

2009-03-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

I gots one :)

Here's the only thing written in it, I don't really like it but meh.

Shadows can give,
Funny looks,
to pale white skin, marks that might be,
the blooming of blood,
anywhere on skin,
That i wish i was,
strong enough to make

At school...

2009-03-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

HI BEN! You're sitting next to me!

Uhm, time to type something from memory, cuz, Ben has my notebook....

I expolode,
A nova,
Tense on notebook pages...

Something I stumbled

2009-03-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

What Do Women Want?

I want a red dress.
I want it flimsy and cheap,
I want it too tight, I want to wear it
until someone tears it off me.
I want it sleeveless and backless,
this dress, so no one has to guess
what's underneath. I want to walk down
the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store
with all those keys glittering in the window,
past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old
doughnuts in their cafe, past the Guerra brothers
slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,
hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.
I want to walk like I'm the only
woman on earth and I can have my pick.
I want that red dress bad.
I want it to confirm you worst fears about me,
to show you how little I care about you
or anything except what
I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment
from its hanger like I'm choosing a body
to carry me into this world, through
the birth-cries and love-cries too,
and I'll wear it like bones, like skin,
it'll be the goddamned
dress they bury me in.

This is the first....

2009-03-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

So... I wrote this... yeah...

We both know,
that this hearts become, a jauggernaut star,
blasting about reckless and bright,
I'll cling to the faith,
And hope I'm not the one it breaks
PT2-------
But only if it's not too late,
I'll be the savior baby,
Slice out my eyes every day,
Dig the ocean into my heart,
Is this a pledge?
I'm screaming from your razors kiss,
A shiny, sharp sort of security,
And the blood leaks from my wrist,
I never made this a promise,
I'll be your savior baby,
You'll never save me baby.